I Am Their Mother - Held, To Hold

I am their mother.

I snuggle. Feed. Burp. Soothe. Change. Rock. Play. Carry.

Cook. Clean. Teach. Discipline. Disciple. Forgive. Listen. Kiss.

Guide. Laugh. Cry. Yell.

Pray. Sacrifice. Surrender.

Maybe I sound like a broken record at this point, but this vocation has ripped me open.

A red river of pride, anger, and other ugliness oozes out of me and I'm dizzy. How could this depravity exist inside of me? Why can't I keep it from spilling out?

My skin has stretched to make space for these babies and my spirit has been equally torn open.

I don't understand how such acute realities can coexist.

This is the flesh and the spirit, in constant tension.

Thank you, Jesus, that your work on the cross, and in the grave, eternally set me free of the flesh.

Now, help me walk in the identity you paid for with your own red river.

Your beautiful, sacred, holy blood.

You understand the ripping apart. The parental love. The love groanings. The roar against sin. The dependence on The Father.

Sanctification- the journey closer to your heart that you've already paved the way to!

There is no longer a cavernous divide between us. You have made me right with you.

You empower my life to be the pleasing sacrificial aroma you deserve and desire.

Without these babies, I don't know how I would draw this near, this quickly. I don't know how I would get all of this ugliness out so that all I have room for is you. I don't know how I'd need and want you this fiercely.

1am their mother.

Not their savior.

And that is the greatest relief.

Their eternal salvation doesn't depend on me.

It's not my job to white-knuckle my faith in hopes of instilling faith in them.

I am here to tenderly hold their hand and walk towards heaven together.

We are all pilgrims, homeward bound, these babies and I.

1am just here to nurture them, and to let God nurture me through them.

1am their mother.

A teacher, and a student.

Grace giver. Grace receiver.

Mercy giver. Mercy receiver.

Held, to hold.

Able to love these babies because you, Jesus, hold me.