We Surrender At Dawn

I have big dreams, that I sense the Lord has planted in me.

Sometimes it feels like the route to those dreams is crystal clear- the gates are open wide for me to pursue them!

And sometimes, I wonder if those dreams are my own wishful ideas and simply distractions from the work in front of me.

Motherhood.

The good, hard, messy, beautiful work of motherhood.

One can make a pretty compelling case for how the pursuit of creative goals can happen in tandem with the motions of motherhood.

In some seasons, I really am able to do this! It feels exciting and fulfilling- to create and produce while raising babies and keeping house.

And in other seasons, the thought is laughable. When all I can do is survive a day with fed, clean children and collapse, overstimulated, into bed with an abandoned to-do list laying on the table for whatever strength is left in the morning.

The back and forth can be quite maddening.

Can you relate?

During the more trying times recently, I felt God ask me to surrender a few of the plates I spin.

This has happened before, but in the past, the things I felt compelled to surrender weren’t actually all that beneficial to me.

Pointless scrolling. Listening to secular music. Consuming articles and books that weren’t aligning with my calling. Watching TV for the sake of entertainment or unwinding. Gossiping and unwholesome talk. Eating whatever I wanted and not being mindful of healthy movement. Being lazy or unintentional with the hours of my day.

Those were hard, but the good that came from surrendering them removed my appetite for them. Oh, what grace!

But surrender the GOOD things I love, that bring me happiness and creative fulfillment? The very things that helped replace the void that unhealthy habits left?

Yes, even the very good things. Because even still, I turn to them when I’m stressed and depleted, instead of to the things that can truly nourish me, and nourish others.

Jesus. Prayer. His Word. His Church. Study.

You see, I am learning that not all good things are good all of the time.

I dream of writing a book. Blogging full time. Photographing on the weekends and editing in the evenings. Hosting bible studies and book clubs. Baking from scratch, reading history books and memoirs for hours at a time, and fellowshipping with other women who love art, theology and apologetics! Getting a degree. Running a small creative business.

All. Good. Things.

But I often cram these good things into the very small margins of my life and is it always good for me? I cram these things into the leftover scraps of my time thinking I must, in order to lay the groundwork for future achievements. But maybe I don’t have to do any of these things to succeed, later on? Maybe God’s route to my dreams looks different than the one I mapped out? Maybe the path to those dreams is the narrow one, right through motherhood?

I have stopped to ask- What are the good things in front of me, here and now?

A three year old girl, and a one year old boy.

A small place to call home.

A loving husband and a family business.

A mother and father-in-law in the same house, that could use my love and service.

A local church, and a life group.

Friends, and neighbors to share my time with.

These things need my best, fullest, most present efforts.

What time is there, left?

Not much.

Like Mary, Jesus’ mother, I want to be a woman who is positioned to accept whatever plans the Lord has for me. Because my dreams are good, but perhaps He has different or better ones for me?

Like Mary, Martha’s sister, I want to be able to put my to-do list aside to sit at His feet and listen. To be in His presence and receive.

I want to be a woman poised for surrender, no matter what that requires.

I thought for a while that I didn’t particularly enjoy being a mom, because it’s hard. But I’d press into it because I knew that it was holy.

But what I have found is that it isn’t motherhood I don’t enjoy, it’s hardship.

I don’t like struggling.

Motherhood has been difficult, for me.

But what I am starting to see clearer is that hardship can produce gold, virtue, beauty, fruit for the Kingdom of God.

That’s what I want!

I don’t want an easier, freer life that serves myself first and keeps me comfortable and unproductive in the spirit realm.

I want my life to diffuse the fragrance of heaven.

I can do that, through motherhood.

Through hardship.

And honestly, I really freaking love homemaking.

Cooking. Cleaning. Baking. Playing. Planning. Serving. Organizing. Teaching. Discipling. Loving!

I will take the hard that comes with all of that.

I will put my dreams on the back burner and fix my eyes on Jesus, to see what His dreams for me are.

In the words of my dear poet friend Allison, who just lost her 4 year old son…

“Living moments will always be better than death.

But until you have death, you will not know.

So while everyone feels bad for me because of the death.

I feel better now that I know the price of life.

I will never again be able to call good things bad.”

I resonate deeply with these words.

The forms of death I am experiencing lately are helping me see the way in which I want to experience life, too.

Where will this surrender take me?

Only He knows!

Would you like to join me?

We surrender at dawn!