"Give Yourself Grace"

I was waiting for water to boil, and stood stress-scrolling in the chaotic pre-dinner hour. I came across a post that said "You are not a victim of motherhood" in bold black letters.

At that very moment, my one-year old son was crying at my feet, and my three-year old daughter was whining about the color of her socks. (If you have a toddler, you need no further explanation.)

There were crumbs sticking to my feet, even though I'd swept five times today.

My jeans were pinching into my stomach again.

My hair felt greasy.

"Yeah, okay." I thought.

I put my phone down in resignation and looked around at the chaos that I most definitely felt victim to.

I was wildly unprepared for motherhood. Who isn't?

I never wanted to be a mom.

As the oldest of five, I was adept at caring for children. My siblings were my whole world, and I loved them, but looking out for them them didn't exactly foster any deep desire to mother my own someday. Quite the opposite, actually. Our childhood was volatile. I had, and still have, the best parents in the world, but our early years were marked by trauma that impacted us all differently. For me, pain at home manifested as a distaste for domestic life in favor of a independant, adventurous one. I wasn't fully against motherhood. I did want to get married someday, but I was sure we wouldn't have kids until years after our wedding. Motherhood wasn't a calling that had any significant impact, in my view, other than fulfilling a woman's desire to nurture babies. You know, the type of women who always have baby fever and don't want to have a career.

* Sigh *

The story of how I ended up married at nineteen and pregnant shortly after is a good one, for another time. But there I was, standing in my makeshift kitchen at twenty-three years old with two kids already, wondering if this whole motherhood thing was truly not as victimizing as it felt.

As previously alluded to, motherhood came upon me suddenly and knocked the everloving wind out of me. I was completely overwhelmed by the intensity of it all. In my bewildered state, all I could hear around me were two voices.

One was incessantly proclaiming that motherhood was a dream, a joy, the fulfillment of every feminine longing and a place to find eternal purpose. There was no tolerance here for any murmur of difficulty or distaste for motherhood. If you weren't happy, or were struggling, you should probably eat more calories, spend time in the sunshine, and read your Bible more. Just ask for some help, or deal with it, and don't voice such unsavory sentiments or else you'll perpetuate them!

The other voice could do nothing but complain about motherhood- to lament about what it had cost them. All they did was focus on the negative, and bond with other moms in solidarity over wine and husband-bashing. They drowned out the stress of motherhood with trashy tv shows and unholy amounts of iced coffee. There was no acceptance here for anyone who wasn't actually miserable. If you acted happy and fulfilled, you were just faking it, or you were rich enough to secretly hire help.

I naturally gravitated towards the first voice. The second repelled me, but I couldn't see the flaws in the first, either.

I embraced the Instagram homemaking movement where an influx of women were glorifying the slow-living, stay-at-home life. We were baking sourdough bread, wearing dresses, growing gardens and never letting our kids use screens. We were obsessed with toxins, frantically eliminating them from our diet and lifestyle at any cost. We were conservative in our politics and worldview, and made sure everyone else around us knew it. We were declaring that motherhood was the highest calling a woman could embrace, and that it was all-fulfilling.

I loved it, for a season. I made a lot of like-minded friends online that made me feel less alone. I learned some incredible, practical skills for life that I'll carry with me. But I was isolated to online friendships that weren't diverse at all. I was trying very hard to be perfect. And I was even more unhappy and unsure as before.

When I was brave enough to disturb the placid waters a bit, with some vulnerability, the phrase "just give yourself grace" was offered to me more times than not. I don't know about you, but when I hear this, I hear "just cut yourself some slack" or "don't try so hard, relax!"

Well, I "gave myself all the grace."

I cried out to God, secretly, with my feelings.

But I stopped keeping up with my sourdough routine.

I started eating whatever I wanted, without restraint.

I would stay up way too late, and didn't bother waking early for Bible reading,

I hid, indulged myself, for a while. But after the birth of my second child, when my frayed edges began to completely unravel, I was terrified at the realization that I simply didn't like being a mom!

I would never dare to confess this out loud, of course. I just knew someone would accuse me of not loving my kids, which couldn't be farther from the truth.

I LOVED my kids.

But I didn't love gaining weight, being covered in stretch marks and cellulite. I didn't love sore breasts from nursing and an aching back from constantly tending to a baby. I didn't love the mental load of running a home and managing our life. I didn't love having raging hormones and being woken up eleven times a night. I didn't love fighting for time to be with my husband, or to be alone with myself. I didn't love feeling like I wasn't cut out for motherhood, or that my life was on hold in this season.

My inner dialogue started to resemble that of the second voice.

Resentment. Discontent. Ingratitude. Despair.

I would never have willingly adopted their behavior, but my weary, wandering heart strayed into their camp, so I pitched a tent.

Were they right?

Did I settle?

Am I a slave to this motherhood thing?

Will I ever feel like myself again?

Does any of the repetitive, mundane work I do matter at all?

Well-intentioned older women would stop me in the grocery store nearly every time I shopped to tell me to "Savor every moment- this season will be gone before you know it!" I'd smile in response, but wonder if they knew just how badly I wanted this season to, in fact, pass!

Mamas of grown children were telling me that this stage with cute, little, malleable, impressionable babies was the easy part, and I better buckle up for the teenage years! I'd chuckle in response, but wish they knew just how challenging this season really was for me.

Independent, ambitious women in the workforce have looked at me with disdain, questioning why I would sacrifice my body, my potential, and my time to this motherhood thing. I'd puff my chest in mustered confidence, but really just wished they could feel the type of deep, roaring love that drives you to survive, no matter what.

If all these voices weren't going to drive me insane, my own frustration at my shortcomings and utter exhaustion from long nights with a baby would! And yet, through it all, there was this still-small-voice, this inner-knowing that motherhood did in fact matter.

So why didn't it feel true?

How could I believe it, even when my eyes couldn't see it?

One day, during this tumultuous season, I heard a teaching on the word "grace" that rattled me.

"To give grace is to give power to the powerless." (Cloud-Townsend)

Powerless. That was me.

But how on earth was I supposed to give myself power, when I was the powerless one?

I looked up the definition of grace.

g r a c e

• unmerited, divine assistance (see also, favor)

f a v o r

• gracious kindness

I have been a Bible-believing, Jesus-lover my entire life, and yet the stress of young motherhood had blinded me to the fact that I could actually ask Him for help in this area! Admittedly, I assumed motherhood would come naturally. I didn't know just how much help I would really benefit from. Every time a fellow woman told me to simply "give myself grace" I had failed to call upon His divine assistance. I would attempt to muster up strength of my own accord, which left me more deflated than before! I had not yet learned to allow the Holy Spirit to infuse Himself into my mothering. I did not see my role of "mother" as being worthy of His favor, or gracious kindness.

This newfound desire to learn what it meant to walk by the Spirit catalyzed a change in my motherhood voyage.

In Jesus' famous Sermon on the Mount he says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened..." (Matthew 7:7-8)

I started to seek, and I started to find!

Suddenly, women started popping up in my life that had a contagious joy for motherhood. They were a diverse group of women from various faith traditions, but their love for Christ unified them all and each had nuggets of wisdom to offer me. They were healing balm to my heart. Through the living testimonies of these women, I was able to see what sets a Christian mother apart. This mattered, because I also quickly realized that this authentic, grace-based motherhood approach did not equate to easy. One may naturally wonder why even bother with a life of faith when it doesn't immunize you from the common sufferings of humanity?

Everyone experiences hardship and suffering, in life. No one is exempt.

But Jesus Christ is the only one who promises to work all things for good- to create beauty from ashes. He has a perfect track record; He has made good on these promises throughout all of time.

I don't know about you, but if pain is inevitable, I would like to be under the mighty plumage of the One True God, who weaves pain and pleasure into a stunning tapestry called life! I would like to be counted among those worshipping a loving, powerful Savior who orchestrates harmony out of chaos.

I called to Him, broken and weary, with nothing but my sin and pain to offer.

And He accepted me, wiped my slate clean, and stooped to lift the crushing weight of my yoke.

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes..." Isaiah 61:3

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

I surrendered the turmoil of motherhood, and He gave me grace.

True grace- divine, unmerited, gracious kindness, and assistance!

He planted women in my life who were beacons of wisdom and hope.

He led me to further my wellness education so that I could make informed choices that would support my body better.

He guided my husband and I to a vibrant, small church that is committed to studying the Bible and allowing it to transform our lives.

He allowed me to discover nourishing books, podcasts, and other resources to deepen my faith and strengthen my understanding.

Grace, grace, there is so much grace if you are awake to notice it!

Slowly. the monotonous, exhausting parts of motherhood didn't seem so hopeless and isolating.

I started to see a clearer picture.

The hardships of motherhood are purifying opportunities to rely on Christ in deeper ways.

Motherhood has become one of my biggest graces, because without it, nothing could infiltrate the deepest parts of me that need purifying. Motherhood has (and will continue to) aggravate all of the stagnant parts of me that need stirred up. It has brought up so much ugliness in me but I have been able to "...come boldly to the throne of grace, that [I] may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)

All of this, and more than you could ever imagine, is available to you too, in Christ.

"...[He] gently leads those who are with young." (Isaiah 40:11)

That means you, mama.

That means me.

And as I stood, back in my humble kitchen, I called afresh upon Jesus, in my pre-dinner hour of need, and He reminded me of all grace surrounding me.

The water finally boiled, and my love and gratitude for all His kindness bubbled over too.

----

Helpful Resources

Books:

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Hard Is Not The Same Thing As Bad by Abbie Halberstadt

Raising Tiny Disciples by Phylicia Masonheimer

Running Into Water by Angela Blycker

Women of the Word by Jen Wilkin

Podcasts: Verity (My personal favorite!)

Risen Motherhood

Compelled

At Home With Sally

Scriptures: (*Disclaimer! The Bible makes the most sense when studied chronologically. Before cherry-picking verses out of context I always recommend following a one-year chronological Bible reading plan to help you understand the beautiful narrative of scripture. That said, I chose these relevant scriptures to inspire you to deeper study!)

Isaiah 40:10

Isaiah 66:12-13

Phillipians 4:6-7

Phillipians 4:19

1 Peter 5:7

John 10:10

John 14:27

John 16:23

2 Corinthians 12:9

Matthew 11:28

Galatians 6:9

Chronological Bible Reading Plans:

The Bible In A Year with Fr Mike Schmitz

Bible In A Year Club with Phylicia Masonheimer

The Bible Recap with Taraleigh Cobble

TV:

The Chosen (for an engaging way to observe the creatively depicted life of Christ)